Tri99er Warning: A Steampunk Westernstuck
by bookwyrmknight
Summary: Ambassador Kankri Vantas is touring 19th Century United States, with his hired escort, Jake English, in this Wild West AU! Follow them on their journey through the frontier, as they engage in gun fights, face the desert wilderness, meet historical figures, and just try to get to the other side of alive!
1. Chapter 1: The Train Ride

**Tri99er Warning: A Steampunk Westernstuck**

By

bookwyrmknight

Chapter 1: The Train Ride

The red landscape of the desert zoomed by, capturing Jake English's attention. He observed all the different flora and fauna that he only read in the new books of the American west. He's been in deserts before. Oh yes, the windiest, sandiest of deserts. Along with rainforests, arctic tundra, rocky mountain sides, ancient temples, atop of skyscrapers, and even in an underwater city! Yet he still finds wonder in everything he sees. Never a dull moment for Jake English! He was just observing a small herd of pronghorn antelope, when a voice brought him back to reality.

"'Ahem, Mr. English'" said a clear, smooth voice, snapping Jake's attention. Across the elaborate table, sat a regal young gentleman with finely combed hair and pale white skin that some of working class would deem "sickly", while others of the higher class would deem refined. It reminded Jake of the fine, white tusks of the mighty, rampaging elephant bull he once climbed and redirected to avoid trampling the village of elderly people and orphans. This young gentleman's name was Kankri Vantas, ambassador of the Alternia-Beforus Alliance Empire to the United States of America. Jake English fell under neither flag, his heart, mind, and soul remaining with England and her queen! What better way to show to the love of his country than by escorting a diplomat through another country to show the friendship between the two nations. He loved a good adventure and traveling! However, he felt terribly embarrassed that he started daydreaming as his traveling companion was busy talking.

"Oh, I am terribly sorry, old chap! I just get so absolutely excited of seeing new regions that I tend to tune people out. I thought for sure I wouldn't tune you out, what with your magnificent speaking voice and range of vocabulary!" Jake said with a big smile on his face. Kankri did his best not to smile or blush, clearing his throat as he prepared to speak again.

"Yes, well, as I completely understand your love for new and exotic lands, I would like to advise you in the future, that it is impolite to focus on something else while somebody is lecturing you on how to act more civil around people of different cultures that you are not accustomed to. This country is known to take in many immigrants and refugees, though with much opposition with some of the current population of in-nation born citizens. Not only am I here to ensure the strong relationship between my country and America, as I also hope to show the citizens of this country the error of their ways, triggering though it may be. Such as the persecution of Irish immigrants because of the potato shortage- which I am not suggesting that is the only thing Irish citizens consume, but it is a large part of their diet…as there was no knowledge of different crops to plant. Not to say that Irish farmers are not skilled in farming. just that they were not aware of different crops out there to be used. You don't think that's too…. offensive, do you? Maybe if we run into Irish railroad workers, I'll be sure to ask if the contents of this speech are in anyways triggering them. I also hope to ensure good relations between white and black citizens, as all former slaves have been freed and are adjusting to a new life. It must be quite difficult for a lot of them, for they have not been allowed to read or write. Quite horrid in my own opinion, as the denial of one's education is a moral crime in all of civilization…besides slavery of course.

Don't worry though, I'll be sure to educate them and show them how they can adjust to society, and also show them that they too can peacefully live with the white population with no harm to anybody. Hopefully I can also stop by the Southern states and teach them how not to hate people for their different skin color. Not to say that all Southern Americans are racists, just that it's not the end of society that slaves are free. Now, I know that the Civil War was not just about slavery, but the South's right do what they want and to preserve their way of life, one of those ways of life being owning slaves. My world renowned philosopher father, may he rest in peace, condemned slavery in America, and though he wasn't taken too kindly here in this country, I'm sure the people now have become more civilized and less violent. Just in case, as you are well aware, I have required your services so that I might ensure a safe passage.

I've been told that you are simply the best at making sure people going on voyages are able to go through their journey safely, so I had you personally selected. Of course you already knew that, as we met just a few days ago on the harbor of Boston, and are now traveling by train to our next destination. However, I still must advise you that I am a pacifist and I only want there to be fighting if it's absolutely necessary. I know that must be a disappointment to you, but I'm sure you understand that I must keep my image of a man of peace intact, and that image would be garnished if my escort/body guard were to get into unnecessary fisticuffs or shoot outs with random strangers. I do so apologize for disturbing your, pardon the pun, train of thought, but I really just wanted to get my point across clearly. Is there anything you would like to add, Mr. English?" Kankri finished, not even drawing a breath. Kankri eyes opened to see Jake with a big goofy grin on his. "Did….did you enjoy that, Mr. English?" Kankri asked, surprised a little. There was a slight pause, until Jake finally spoke.

"Oh my, I'm sorry; I was still taking in all you said, by golly gee! You sure do have a way with words, Mr. Vantas! I do enjoy listening to your thoughts. I do agree with you that slavery is a horrible thing. I do hope the now freed slaves will be able to adjust to their new lives as free people. If anybody can help them though, I do believe it's you Mr. Vantas!" Jake said with thumbs up. Kankri blinked from hearing this. Not very many people take him seriously, or even listen to his whole lecturing when face-to-face alone with someone.

"Well…..in any ways, thank you for the vote of confidence, Mr. English. I will keep your word close to my heart and mind next time I give a public lecture." Kankri said.

"Blimey, that would be a real honor, sir! Is the town we're going to the place you're going to give your next speech? You sure did give a doozey of a speech back in Boston! I can't wait to hear another one!" Jake then thought for a moment. "What's the name of the next town we're going too?" Jake asked.

"I do believe it's called Cantown." Kankri answered.

"Is that the town that inspired by that cheery, go-lucky song?" Jake asked, smiling.

"I think that song is about Camptown."

"Oh…" Jake said, sounding disappointed. "Well….what special things does Cantown have?" Jake asked enthusiastically.

"Hang on, I have a guidebook on the different, small quirky towns in this country. Let's see here….ah yes, here it is. It says Cantown is the country's largest producer of cans…that's it?" Kankri said surprised. "Not that I'm insulting these people's hometown what have you, triggering though it may be."

"Well at least the name is meaningful." Jake mused.

"No matter, we are simply staying in the town for some nights for the World Culture and Science Festival. The town will just be a…..quaint rest area." Kankri concluded.

"Do you know anything about the mayor of the town?" Jake asked.

"Only rumors that he once drifted into town, waywardly, with nothing helping him but tattered old bed sheets. Two weeks later, he ran for mayor and won. Mind you there was nobody else running against him, but still, good for him." Kankri said.

"Yes, quite right! I can't wait to meet him and other interesting people! I do love festivals!" Jake said excitedly. "I can't wait to show off my shooting skills in the marksman competitions!" Jake patted his duel golden revolver pistols that were holstered on each of his sides of his hips.

"Yes, well, do make sure you don't act too gun crazy now. I don't want a bad reputation because of an unruly bodyguard." Kankri said with a frown on his face.

"Don't you worry good sir, I'll be sure to use them only when necessary! Which, I don't think we will have any trouble later. It's been quite peaceful the last week I've spent with you. What's the worst that could happen?" Jake said with a big, goofy grin.

Meanwhile, on top of a hill north of the train heading west, a thief and her rambunctious gang of thugs and bandits stood, eyeing the train zooming ever faster to its destination. Sunlight reflected off her dark pink googles. Through her bubblegum colored lips, she smiled a devilish grin. "Well buoys and gills," she said to her gang members, as she twirled one of her two long black hair braids, "how's about we go empty our pockets of bullets and fill them instead with coins?"

Unbeknownst to her though, another lady thief was with her own gang, who stood on a hill opposite of the former. This thief though, wanted something more. She traveled far and wide to "retrieve" a treasure she believed was her's. Even being a spider out of her web, she seemed to enjoy the thrill of plotting, and soon acting, on some heinous acts. "Alright crew," she said her long black hair and her battered blue coat blowing in the strong gust. "Let's go wreck their shit."


	2. Chapter 2: Aradia, the Ace Archaeologist

Chapter 2: Aradia the Ace Archeologist

In a corner booth in the same cart as Jake and Kankri, sat a rugged young man. Wearing an old brown duster coat, a black gambler hat, and triangular black shades, he observed the landscape as it zoomed by, becoming quite bored of it all. He was hoping something exciting happened soon, and fast. He listened to those two Europeans talk so much that he was ready to jump off the train, but dang, that Englishman sure was handsome. If it meant looking at him, he could listen to him talk all day. What really got him interested though were the two pistols holstered at the Englishman's sides. Maybe he could bring some sort of excitement to this hot desert. Time could only tell.

Sliding the cart door open, a young lady, with curly burgundy hair named Aradia, walked in to observe the surroundings of the cart. The wood carved forming the seats were elegantly crafted, with the seats being lined with purple velvet. The sun shined through the windows, bouncing off one young man's triangular shades as he peered outside. He wore a ragged old hat, yet still seemed "sharp", like the rest of his clothes underneath his brown duster coat. Another peculiar thing was that on his side, a scabbard with the handle of what she believed was that of a katana. This was very peculiar of someone with that sword in this part of the world. He seemed quite interesting, this stranger. She would have to keep a closer eye on him later on. For now though, she was looking for someone else. She looked in the other tables of the cart to observe the passengers. One table was a pale white postal lady, garbed in a blue uniform and hat. Her satchel carried many a letters written by both government officials, and letters written with the greatest of care and heart, to be read by loved ones soon. Aradia did not take an interest in her, but she did see some rustling in the satchel. She would have to investigate further later. Still though, she went through each of the booths, looking at the passengers, until she found him.

Thick, black rimmed glasses, with glossy, slicked dark hair popping out from beneath his brown bowler hat. Wearing a dark green jacket and tie, he looked prestige as ever. His skin tanned from months in the hot sun, being outdoors all around the world. Dark, trimmed sideburns ran down the sides of his face. The subtle facial hair across his face showed he hasn't shaved in a few days. Aradia observed that he still wore his favorite dark, green adventure jacket. Underneath it though was a tan suit, a dark green bowtie and black vest. Wearing light tan slacks, it hid his muscular, hairy leg muscles that she had gotten used to seeing on her travels. He was busy gabbing on about some silly adventure he once took, to another gentleman sitting across from. He must be the ambassador Jake was hired to bodyguard, she thought. She tried her best not to come into view so she wouldn't distract him from his storytelling. He always loves telling about his adventures. He probably won't take that long hopefully.

"And so, as I was running from the pack of killer pandas on the Great Wall of China, a thought occurred to me. Would I have noodles or chicken and rice later on for dinner? Anyways, the pandas were just about to nip my butt, when suddenly-", Jake blabbered on. Oh good lord, he's telling the China story. This will take forever. Best interrupt him now.

"Ahem" Aradia sounded, pretending to clear her throat. Jake stopped in mid story and turned to look at who it was. There stood an average height, young lady who wore a maroon colored blouse and long skirt. A smile beamed across her slightly freckled face, her slightly curly red hair tied tightly into a bun behind her head. His eyes grew wide with surprise and a big, goofy grin crept across his face.

"Aradia Medigo, what a pleasant surprise! How are you good lady?" Jake gets up out of his seat and gives Aradia a big hug, picking her up off her feet in the process. He gently puts her back on her feet as she smiles.

"Hahaha, it's good to see you Jake! I am doing well. On another adventure, I presume?" Aradia asked with a smile and an Irish accent.

"Oh my yes, allow me to introduce my client, Ambassador Kanrki Vantas of the Beforus-Alterian Alliance Empire." Jake gestured towards Kankri, who stood up to properly greether and introduce himself.

"How do you do, Miss Medigo?" he said shaking her hand. Aradia observed his attire. He wore a bright red vest and black slacks. His dress shoes were properly shined in the last two days. They were probably were shined right before they left the city.

"I am quite well, thank you for asking." Aradia said. "I do hope my dear friend Jake here isn't giving you too much on your travels." Aradia smirked and gestured towards Jake, who kept a straight and distinguished face.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Miss Medigo." Jake replied, looking in another direction. Kankri chuckled.

"Haha, no, not quite yet, but he certainly is rambunctious." Kankri said, but then peered closer at Aradia, while being deep in thought. "Forgive me for asking, but might you be the famous archeologist Aradia Medigo? Aradia Medigo who discovered twelve different tombs and temples, along with collecting various artifacts then donating them all to museums all around the world, and even discovered the lost city of Atlantis?!" Kankri exclaimed.

"I was there for the last one." Jake added.

"Hehe, yes, it is I, Professor Aradia Medigo, at your service!" Aradia introduced herslf again, this time being theatrical and doing a bow to Kankri. Kankri's eyes grew wide.

"My dear lady, I am quite a fan of your work! Not only am I impressed that you broke both the stereotypes that Irish people cannot be educated, which pardon me for bringing up, and also being one of your first female archeologists of your time to accomplish so much. At such a young age no less. I must also commend you for bringing to light the ancient histories of all the lands throughout the world. You truly do help bring education to minds of both young and old. The Natural History Museum of the Alterian-Beforus Alliance is quite lively now from the recent artifacts you discovered in the old ruins of the former civilization thousands of years ago that once was Alternia-Beforus Alliance. Indeed, the citizens are taking an interest in the natural history and learning for the future of our country so that it may thrive once more. After all, "those who repeat history are doomed to repeat it". As such, with the former, tyrannical, violent government of Alternia subdued by the former government of Beforus, who, as triggering and offensive it might be to former Alternia citizens, was much less violent and more towards the goals of peace. On behalf of my country of Alternia-Beforus Alliance, I humbly thank you from the bottom of my heart." Kankri did a slight bow to Aradia, who was smiling awkwardly.

"Er, yes, no thanks are necessary. I'm just doing what I love, and if that means I can make history interesting for some people, well, that's just a heck of a bonus." Aradia said, with a calm demeanor. "Anyhow, um, what brings you and Mr. English here, Ambassador Vantas?"

"Well, since I am the newly appointed ambassador to this country, I have decided to take a tour of this nation across the land. I have hired Mr. English here to help me with any unforeseeable problems. Our first stop is in Cantown, for the, "Multicultural Can and Pumpkin Festival", which I am supposed to give a speech, thus share my philosophy and ideals with the wide variety of citizens of the United States. I do not wish to force my beliefs on others, mind you, but merely to expand their minds and to show they all the same people on the inside. I am quite saddened to think about the previous Indians- I'm sorry, that is quite offensive as the native tribes people are in fact not from India, and sorry if someone nearby was triggered by that. I should say previous indigenous people, being forced off their lands is a most sad thing to hear. Of course America needed to expand onwards; I just wish people were more sensitive to other cultures and ideals. Would you not agree, Miss Medigo? Seeing how you travel around the world, discovering and learning about people's different cultures." Kankri asked.

"Uh, yes, well, though I have met many different sorts of people and made wonderful friends, I'm not entirely into the politics of today. I am much more interested in seeing ruins of ancient civilizations and learning the lives and turmoil's of the people of yesteryear." She said. This wasn't a total lie, as though she never really was interested in the current news or stories that are happening in the world, she always enjoyed seeing the aftermath of a good revolution, with a government overthrown if she was lucky enough, or a couple of buildings burning. Technically then it could be considered history. Very recent history she had to admit, but still, it's nice to see something worthwhile that she knew that one day would go down in the history books. Jake already knew this, but he also knew to not tell other people, because, well, they tend to get…put off, by Aradia's personality or interests sometimes if they dig deep enough. Sometimes during Jake's adventures, when there's trouble afoot, and chaos is happening all around, you'll see her smiling, mouth wide open, taking it in. She's doesn't want to create trouble or be evil mind you, but deep down, she just loves the excitement of all things, like Jake.

"Hmmm, yes, I see what you mean. You are more interested in learning about the after effects society's own squabbles, instead of actually participating." Kankri concluded, his arm rested on his other arm as he cupped his chin in thought.

"Yes, that seems a bit more accurate." She said. Aradia did not want him to continue on with this subject. Apparently so did Jake, as he quickly jumped into the conversation.

"So! Anyways Aradia, what brings you here on this train? Would it be for business or pleasure?" Jake asked, a pleasant and friendly smile beaming across his face.

"Oh well, you see, I'm touring with historical artifacts that I've found on my journeys, to the Natural History Museum in San Diego. My assistants and I are going to stop by and set up stalls at the festival in Cantown, which I am sure you two are heading to also." Aradia said.

"Well golly gee, we sure are Aradia, ole girl! It's on the next stop of our journey across America! What a coincidence that we are on the same train ride, isn't it Mr. Vantas?" Jake turned towards Kankri.

"It is indeed, Mr. English. Ms. Medigo, would you care to join us? We ordered cups of Earl Grey that should arrive pretty soon. I'm sure we could ask the waitress to bring us another teacup for you." He gestured towards the table.

"Well, I should be getting back to my colleagues, but I'm sure they won't be upset if I stayed just a little bit longer." Jake offered Aradia to slide into the booth first, which she did, and Jake sat next to her. Kankri sat opposite of them.

"So Ms. Medigo, what sort of exhibits and artifacts are you going to display at the festival?" Kankri asked. A waitress came over with a tray of teacups and a tea pot, filled with boiling hot water. Along with it came a couple of tea bags of Earl Grey. Also on the tray were a couple of teaspoons and a bowl of sugar. Kankri asked her if she might also bring another teacup for their new friend here. The waitress smiled and went away to fetch another, leaving the tray with the three.

"Well, I've brought along with me a couple of just now repaired vases from Atlantis, a bundle of shrunken heads from my expedition in the Amazon, a spear gifted to me by a Zulu tribesman warrior, an ancient head statue of Eris, the Greek goddess of discord and chaos. I also have a couple of skulls of small dinosaurs, because well, I dabble in paleontology every now and then". She nonchalantly said, smiling and rolling her eyes like it's not a big deal. Jake remembers the time the two of them discovered that underground habitat that was stuck in the Cretaceous period. He was quite shocked when Aradia ripped her skirt off to reveal she was wearing adventure shorts underneath it that entire time! He remembered that she had quite large, muscular legs for a lady. What amazed him even more when he witnessed, first hand, Aradia roping around the _tyrannosaurus rex's_ jaws with that rope that was made of the same material as her special whip that was made from ancient, but still strong fiber from one of the underground tombs they discovered in Russia. They rode that t-rex out of through the forest, being chased by those savages riding on raptors. It was miraculous they even survived their experience there. A thirty-two man party went in, but only the two of them and five others escaped. What an experience it was! They all made a pact though to not share what they found with anybody, for both the preservation of the little pocket of time that had left untouched, but also for the safety of others who would be foolish of enough to go down there. They said they found just a regular tomb, but there was a cave in.

Both Jake and Aradia sent condolence letters to the victims' families, which is one of the hardest things to do after an adventure where someone was lost. They had that tiny little man who wore a bowler hat and a pinstripe suit with the clubs symbol on it, seal off the entrance with explosives, which he at first opened the entrance up with explosives in the first place. He was a very peculiar fellow, that Clubs fellow.

"Sounds quite interesting indeed." Kankri said, blowing on his tea then taking a sip.

"That sure was a roaring fun time, Aradia!" Jake chimed in.

"Not as fun as that one time in your home country of Ireland where we were studying that Celtic village ruin, where you actually communicated with the spirits that still resided there! They were more than happy to show you where they kept their tools, seeing as they wouldn't need them anywhere in the afterlife." Jake chimed in, also smiling from the remembrance of days gone by. Aradia laughed, the flood of happy memories feeling her mind, her freckled cheeks curling up into a bigger smile.

"Yes that was fantastic! They were so hospitable surprisingly. Must be because they didn't get lots of visitors that could actually converse with them. Very curious lot, wanting to know what happened to the land around them as time gone by. Oi boy was I winded explaining the history of Ireland to them after they departed so many years ago. Anytime they got sad though from hearing about the many times their homeland was taken by another stronger power, I lifted them right back up with a few jokes about ghosts or bones!" Aradia said with a big grin. "That's not all! I have also discovered the treasure of the infamous pirate captain, Marquise Spinneret Mindfang!" Aradia said excitedly.

Meanwhile, in the seat a couple rows down, the swordsman looked out the window, the sun glaring off his triangular sunglasses. There he spotted a gang of dark bandits, riding on their horses. Their leader, which he saw wore a long blue coat, rode towards the front of the train. "Perfect.", he thought to himself. Sitting still this long was making him anxious.

"Mindfang?! My word Aradia, I'm so happy you found her treasure! You've been looking for that for years now! Wherever did you find it?" Jake asked, his goofy smile reappearing again. The swordsman looked over at the table where the conversation was being held. He saw Jake's big goofy grin and mixed feelings swelled inside of him.

"Well you see Jake, I collected pieces of a map from various islands. There were eight pieces to be exact. The map lead me to this one dark island, that was very hard to locate. Almost like it was surrounded in void. Even dring the day time, darkness and nothingness filled the air. It was very eerie, and you know how much I love eerie things!" she said with a smile. "Anyways, my colleagues and I treaded the tough terrain, where wind blew through the hollow caves. There was no plants, no animals, just rock and nothingness. We at first thought she would hide the treasure underwater, or on a shipwreck, or even in a rainforest filled with spiders! But nope, this was a pretty dull and void island. It took us hours before we found the cave with the Scorpio symbol on it, Mindfang's insignia she leaves behind the ships, and towns she pillages. We were amazed at the treasure she managed to stow away!" Aradia said.

"That is incredible! Did you manage to find what you were looking for?" Jake asked.

"I did! I'm actually carrying it around with me right now. The other chests were in with our other luggage."

"That is simply fantastic! Do you think I might look at it?" Jake asked.

"I don't see why not! I'll just pull it out of my bag an-", before Aradia could finish the sentence, one of the doors swung open. An exasperated yokel man around, scared out of his wits.

"HAAAAALLP!" he shouted. "Bandits have taken the train! Somebody has got to do something!" he was then kicked in the behind, sending him sprawling to the ground face first. A thug came up behind him with pistols drawn.

"Alright, nobody move! The Peixes Gang is taking this train! We'll just be takin' your loot and be on our way! Nobody has to get hurt…much." He said with crooked teeth, and a grimey face. So it began. The swordsman motioned towards his sword, when suddenly, Jake sprang into action! He drew his dual wielding pistols and pointed at the hoodlum.

"Not so fast! I was hired to protect Mr. Vantas here, and if I can protect everybody else here, from the mail lady to Aradia, that can be quite a bonus to my adventure stories!" Jake smirked determined. "Sorry I have to resort to violence Mr Vantas. This guy seems to mean business, I tell you wot!" Jake said with a thicker British accent, probably because of him getting in the excitement

The swordsman's heart fluttered at the sight of this magnificent man. The swordsman remembered now. This was the Jake English he saw a couple of years ago. Just when he was about to have a flashback, the other door slid open. Out stepped a man in…..pirate clothing? In the desert? That is just plain silly. Let's see what he has to say though.

"Yo ho ho, mi dry mudfish! This train now be in control of the Serket Crew, of the Eight Corners around the World! Nobody move, or I'll blast ye away!" he drew two flintlock pistols and pointed them at everybody.

The swordsman sighed a relief. He was worried he was going to miss some fun. He quickly back stepped and went back to back with Jake. "Mind if I join you in this fight Englishman?" he said.

"Not at all good sport, I welcome new friends and foes when it comes to fights! I do hope you brought mighty fine guns though." Jake said, still having his attention on the outlaw.

"Pfft, guns? I'm not exactly a guy who brings guns, to a gun fight." He slowly drew his katana from its sheath and focused his attention on the pirate. "This is going to be good." Dirk said with excitement in his eyes, hidden behind the triangular sunglasses.


End file.
